Lady Gaga - A Takedown of 'The Fame Monster'

I once lived in a fairy tale world where the only place I had ever run into Lady Gaga was interweb news articles about how weird she dressed.  Her music?  Limited to less-than-3 second bursts, and watching Cartman do 'Poker Face' on South Park (didn't even know it was a Lady Ga Ga song, until then).  Oh, how sweet those old days were!

You see, back then, I had a strange fascination and appreciation for Stefani Joanne Angelina Germanotta, or Germie, as I like to call her.  I remember the first time I ever saw her was wearing that crazy Kermit outfit that I'd seen previously somewhere else.  Now, it's not easy being green, but Gaga really pulled that look off.  I mean, look at that!  It's just glorious.

Then there was the whole 'Lady Gaga' has a penis thing, which I didn't quite understand...she ain't got no dick, guys!  I mean, she's not exactly the hottest Pop Star, but she's not a fucking man.  I laughed, nonetheless, and would click links that debated whether or not her junk was bigger than Justin Timberlake's whenever I saw them on buzzfeed.com.

I started to appreciate her Pop Sensibility...remember, I had still not paid a damn bit of attention to her actual craft, singing pop music, but rather, I started to appreciate that when she made headlines, it was usually just weird eccentric stuff; crazy outfits, wild live shows, falling down on stage...shit like that.  She's weird, and drives press that way, but she's not exploiting herself in some shameful way, like Jersey Shore and other 'Reality TV' is training the youngsters of today's Pop Culture World to do.

This, to me, was a breath of fresh air.  Even if she sucked musically, at least she kept it truly real.  No drug stories, no sex tape, no sniping with the West Coast Lady Gaga about who has the best vinyl prom dress for their date with the Queen of England.  And hell, we haven't really had a good Pop Diva live show like hers since Madonna's 'Truth or Dare' tour!

So it was with trepidation that I chose to actually wade into her music.  The first chink in my Gaga armor was around the time of Pitchfork's year end lists, when Gaga had something like 3 of the 5 top ranked pop songs, as voted by Pitchfork readers.  I mean, what the hell?  That's just craziness.  I pondered whether there was some value in liking her 'ironically', in some sort of backwards Indie Rock way...like, maybe she drew influences from some lost genre of awesomeness.

Then, I saw the Pitchfork review of her latest album, 'The Fame Monster'.  A 7.6?!?!?!, I mean, that's higher than they scored freaking 'Hazards of Love' last year.  All the while, I'm seeing nothing but crazy images of this chick, playing in front of huge crowds...her album is getting rave reviews from all the media outlets.  It's a 76 on Metacritic, and that's saying something, since some of those outlets don't normally review this genre, and aren't set up to be overly flattering to it.

So I broke down and found a torrent.  My initial surprise at the length of the album (it's only 8 tracks) again made me step back and think about what was going on...Does she have amazing self-editing powers, choosing not to throw three singles in with 7 filler tracks and 2 remixes?  I mean, this is totally unheard of in this day and age!  As Roxio worked it's magic on my blank circular, soon to be obsolete disc, I actually had a moment of anticipation to hear this thing.  I even pondered the egg on my face for having dismissed her all this time, and wondered if we might be ushering in a new era of Pop Music; one where we could actually depend on the artist to deliver on some promises, rather than just suck the (failing) industry's tit.

Then I hit play, and all that came crashing down.  The opener, which I guess is a single, 'Bad Romance'...let's just say it's catchy.  Catchy like the fucking clap.  It's got a rehashed 80's/90's Skate Rink beat, bad Cher-esque 'oh-oh's', and (thankfully) barely recognizable cliched ass lyrics.  That, my friends, is highlight of this clusterfuck.  The second track, which I think is about lusting after a Mexican guy, might be the worst song I have ever heard.  It's like Ace of Base threw up all over Shakira, and Britney Spears's dog lapped it all up.  And I'm being as nice as I can be.  I listened to this whole thing, twice.  I promised myself after the first go that I wouldn't do it again, but I made myself give it another try.  MISTAKE.  It's even worse upon a second listening.

So listen, kids.  When you are looking for inspiration for your next big pop album, take a listen to what Lady Gaga says:

"I spent a lot of nights in Eastern Europe, and this album is a pop experimentation with industrial/Goth beats, 90's dance melodies, an obsession with the lyrical genius of 80's melancholic pop, and the runway. I wrote while watching muted fashion shows and I am compelled to say my music was scored for them."

And then do EXACTLY the opposite.  As a performance art piece, I think she's pretty damned brilliant.  Hell, I want to wear Kermit outfits, and make the Queen of England chuckle, too!  As a musician, she's turning over old leaves...ones that we should have burned and destroyed a long time ago.